Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
