he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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