I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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