Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
