He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I could make wine with my vomit
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
