My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
