i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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