You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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