yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
