dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
