Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
