i love accidental penises.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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