I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize