atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
