he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
