i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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