Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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