Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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