Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
