We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
