I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
