Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
