Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
