Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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