Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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