Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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