If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
