I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
