Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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