Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
