You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
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I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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