hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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