She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
