someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
