I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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