Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
