We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
