You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
