I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
