Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
