I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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