Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i now understand why vodka
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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