what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
