a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
