Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
