I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
