She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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