after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
