Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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