I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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