Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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