Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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