it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
