How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
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Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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